Good morning, winner.
Take a deep breath.
Good. You're ready to dominate this day.
You've worked harder than everyone,
and that is why you're a champion.
You understand that greatness takes sacrifice.
Visualize what you still want to achieve.
Stand atop the mountain of your success
and look down at everyone who's ever doubted you.
Fuck those losers.
Fuck them in their stupid fucking faces.
Hey!
Oh, oh!
Oh, shit.
Hold the phone. I'm coming.
Oh, shit.
Woo!
♪ We know it, keep goin' ♪
♪ I came straight from the stage... ♪
- What? - What?
Excuse me.
- Oh, oh, oh! Hey! - What? What? What?
Missed ya.
I missed you.
- I missed you so much. - Been one night.
- Are we gonna go to school, or... - No.
I don't think we are.
No, we're just gonna stay here.
♪ I don't wanna stress you out ♪
♪ I just wanna tell you the truth ♪
♪ Motherfuckers try to tear us apart ♪
♪ But we're electric linked ♪
♪ My revolution... ♪
- Move! - Jeez!
- Yeah! Woo! - Are you...
Swear to god.
- Whoo! - Are you kidding me, Samantha?
You couldn't have just gone around?
Where was this energy
at my inauguration assembly, folks?
- True. - I hope
I never have to see any of you
ever again, okay.
That's it. Signin' off.
Go, Crocketts!
Boom.
Principal Brown?
Hi, Molly, Amy. What's shakin'?
I want to make the transition of next year's student government
as seamless as possible, so that when I'm up in New Haven...
Yale. You can just say Yale, please.
Well, our class's official policy is
to not discuss where anyone is attending next year.
We don't want them to feel insecure.
Very thoughtful.
Anyway, I need to go over the end-of-the-year
budget numbers we have.
Oh, gosh.
Really? Like, now?
What... I mean, why don't you do it with Nick,
you know? Please?
I mean, he's you know, he's the vice president.
Nick?
We both know that Nick only ran for VP
because they plan the dances.
That position is...
It's basically a popularity contest. He's useless.
Ladies, it's the last day. You know?
We did it. Huh? We got you through high school.
Can't we just graduate,
head off to college,
you know, celebrate this wonderful achievement?
Let's focus on getting through the rest of the day without...
I'm sorry. Are you shutting the door on us?
Because that's not subtle. We will persist!
Nick's like the great equalizer.
Delegates from every group of girls
are casting their ballots for his penis.
Oh, and Triple A takes the lead.
Don't call her that.
Everybody calls her that.
She gave roadside assistance
to three senior guys last year.
You hear them getting degrading Nicknames?
They call Sam Ross "Dick Splinter."
That's not derogatory. It's a factual description.
7:20.
Under eight minutes? You're joking!
- Oh, my god. 9:43. - What?
What am I gonna do without you girls next year?
Nobody around here even attempts the Thursday.
Well, Amy and I are gonna skype
the puzzle every single week,
- so we will send you our Sunday Times. - Yep.
You know what? Why don't I just give you two my number?
That way, you guys can call or text me
if you need anything.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
That would just make our lives.
- Okay. - Definitely.
- I'll give you mine after. - Oh, no, no,
- I'll just share the contact. - I can just...
- I'm gonna share the contact. - Wait, wait, wait.
Miss Fine, I thought there were no cell phones allowed in class.
Or are there exceptions for ass-kissers?
Hey! A dollar in the swear jar.
I'm so sorry. These shorts, they don't have pockets.
- Okay, excuse me. - Whoa, Triple A!
Excuse me. Jesus Christ!
Oh, my god.
No spatial awareness at this school.
- Hey, Amy. - It's her.
Yeah?
Did you just score your teacher's phone number?
Yeah.
Nice.
Hey, Miss Fine? You should come party with us tonight.
Did you just ask Miss Fine
if she wants to party with you?
You think she wants to watch you and your friends
- get drunk and break things? - Yeah, sorry, hold on.
I was having the conversation with her.
- You were not part of this, so... - Sit down, Theo.
Yo, yo, what up, Miss Fine?
Just wanted to drop off a last-day present for my favorite teach.
Jared, you are not my student.
I've heard great things. And hey, everybody else
got their graduation gifts. Right?
Come on. Jare-Bear comin' at you from all angles, right?
Nobody asked for that.
Big me, littler me,
little baby Jared at the bottom.
Baby Jared says, "Happy graduation, everybody."
Yeah, no one's gonna wear a shirt
with your face on it, Jared.
Like, not even ironically.
Okay, well, agree to disagree.
Jared, just go.
I'm out of here. Wasn't even here.
See you, Molly.
- Bye, Molly. - I'll see ya.
- Bye, Molly. - Why does he...
Why does he always do that?
Fair townspeople!
Fa-fair townspeople!
Fair townspeople, I swear to god!
Mark thy calendars
and make thy plans to attend
the drama department's summer program,
"Shakespeare in the Parking Lot."
We will be performing the bard's comedies
as modern tragedies
outside Whole Foods across town.
It was actually funny. It's, it's what we did
in my summer program
last year in Barcelona.
When I lived in Barcelona.
I will be directing, and Alan...
may be starring, pending auditions.
I don't audition.
I'm offer-only.
This looks fun, but I'm not gonna,
I'm not gonna be here.
Yeah, Amy's spending the summer in Botswana
helping women make their own tampons.
That's... gross.
Well, blood attracts lions. I'm saving lives.
Oh, okay. Well, that's actually noble.
I, too, have a fear of big cats.
And I can't, because I'm working all summer,
and also I don't want to.
You are a philistine.
Why would you do theater when you could do debate?
Because some of us enjoy working with others.
And some of us know how to win.
Nobody's winning in that outfit.
Sit down, y'all. We got work to do.
So, Molly...
- Mm? - Why don't you start us off?
- Thank you, Miss Fine. - Kill it.
All right, well, as you might recall
from my analysis yesterday,
- we were talking about... - It's our last day.
...the idea of submitting to authority.
Let us live! Oh, my god!
You got to open your mouth
a little here more, boy.
Okay, I got you, I got you,
- I got you, I got you. - Okay, chips!
I got you. You ready?
Dude, how am I supposed to get that?
- Okay, that was my bad. - Nick?
You're wild. Wait, wait, wait.
- Nick. - Just one second.
Nick, there's some student government stuff
- we have to go over. - Come on, man!
- Aim for my mouth! - We have to go over
the end-of-the-year budget, so if you could just...
Yeah, just... Uh, we're playing this game
where I gotta catch it in my mouth. It's complicated.
I'll holler at you later, I guess.
- I'm sure it's complicated. - Oh.
I cannot believe I lasted an entire year
with Nick as my vice president.
He's allergic to work.
All he wants to do is goof off.
It's infuriating.
♪ Oh baby baby baby babe ♪
♪ How long am I supposed to wait? ♪
Dude, go talk to Ryan.
What? No.
Cool, cool, 'cause I'm, I'm gonna go talk to Ryan.
- No. no! - 'Cause I have so much to say...
No.
Fine. I'm going. Just gonna...
There she goes.
♪ Oh baby baby baby please ♪
♪ My heart says to my ears ♪
♪ Oh baby baby do you ♪
Oh, oh, sorry, sorry...
Dude. - Amy.
- It's all good. Yeah. - Here you go. here.
Sharp elbows.
Not as sharp as your chin.
What?
Um, so, isn't it crazy that it's the last day?
I know, dude. I can barely believe it.
Are you gonna come to Nick's tonight?
His aunt went on a cruise ship that broke down,
so Nick's gonna throw a party at her house.
That's, that's awesome.
It's, it's all right.
They're you know, they're stuck
on a boat, shitting in buckets.
Oh, well, that's not really what I meant.
Oh, Jesus.
- Come on, Tanner. - All right, well...
All right. I'll see you later.
I'll just, um...
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
What are you doing? Go back.
No, that was bad. That was bad.
I'm good, I don't even know if she's into girls,
so I'm good. That was...
She wore a polo shirt to prom.
Well, that's just her gender performance.
It's different from her sexual orientation.
I'm sorry, but I don't get it.
Well, gender is a construct of...
No, thank you,
that much I understand. It just...
It's a little bit shocking
that, that you're into Ryan.
First crush?
The little white cat from The Aristocats.
You go from that to Avril Lavigne.
It's just is not, it's not what I anticipated.
I just like that she's...
always in a good mood,
and she's got a really cute smile.
She just seems like she'd be a really fun person
to have sleepovers and lie around with.
Excuse me? Pardon me?
I'm a fun person to have sleepovers and lie around with.
It's literally all we do.
Well, with her, there'd be more...
vagina involved.
That's fair.
She said Nick's having a party tonight.
Of course he would. He's so fucking stupid.
Somebody always gets arrested the night before graduation.
Amy, do you know how many girls are gonna be
up your vagina at Columbia next year?
Are you aware of it? 'Cause I'm aware of it.
Every time I come to visit you,
you're just gonna be scissoring a different girl.
Dude, scissoring is not a thing.
- Don't knock it until you've tried it. - It's not a thing.
Don't knock it until you've tried it.
I'm not knocking it, but it's just...
How 'bout you don't knock it until you've tried it?
♪ Lala lala lala la ♪
♪ Not the cemetery or the penitentiary ♪
♪ Damn my contemporaries ♪
♪ I'm too legendary, it's so... ♪
Here comes the one percent.
♪ Money, I got money ♪
♪ I got money ♪
♪ Money, I got money ♪
That car belongs in a museum.
What the fuck, Jared? I said door to door.
Museum of death, 'cause its smog is killing us all.
- Fuck! - You all right?
They spend every minute together. It's so weird.
We spend every minute together.
We are equals. Gigi just keeps Jared around
for when she needs a liver.
- No, please don't get on my car. - I'm fucking spent, Jared!
- At least take the heels off. - I'm fucking spent.
- Gege, I just got it back... - Okay.
- ...from the shop. - Shh! I'm napping.
Do you think it's true that his dad got him
a sex worker for his fourteenth birthday?
It's too weird of a story to be made up.
There's so many specifics.
He sprained his ankle. She had a hearing aid.
What up, chicas?
It's intolerable.
You guys hungry?
I, I got some soup dumps.
Keep it down out there!
Prob... They're probably a little soggy now,
- but they're great cold. - It's all right.
Okay, I'm going to pee
in your weird-ass bathroom. Watch my stuff.
Until all of us can pee without genitals,
none of us can.
These motherfuckers.
Your ugly what?
How did you graduate sixth grade?
It's shocking to me.
Okay. So, I would marry the sex doll.
- Right. - Okay.
Fuck the soccer ball.
- Yep. - And then kill Molly.
Dude! No.
There's no other way, dude. Like, I can't fuck her
you know, 'cause when I'm scared,
my dick can't get hard.
And then like, I can't marry her,
'cause, well, I don't believe
- in the institution. - Uh-huh.
So, I have to kill Molly.
And I know it'll haunt me. I'm a peaceful person.
That's very true.
Wait, are you guys talking about Molly Davidson?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
That girl is so weird.
She always acts like she's like 40.
I wish she was fucking 40, man.
Women in their 40s know themselves.
Oh, she's, she's cute.
You know, yeah, I'll give her that,
but she'd probably make you quiz
on her SAT analogies while you fuck her.
Dude, no. Her vagina's probably stuffed with diplomas.
How much you wanna bet?
That shit' s like a filing cabinet down there.
Well, I got no problem with a filing cabinet.
I would make passionate sex to Molly Davidson.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'd just put a bag over her personality.
Yeah.
Molly's like a butterface for personality.
A butter-personality.
Yeah! That's it.
So bad.
That's cool, man, yeah.
What?
Shit.
Oh.
Oh, please do not stop on my account.
Do you know what? My vag is stuffed with diplomas.
Soon, it's gonna be stuffed with job offers
and glowing profiles
and commendations from the governor.
So, while you guys were all studying AP handjobs,
I was kicking ass and busting curves,
and I'm gonna continue to do that
at Yale next year, so...
I like my choices,
and wherever you three are next year, I hope you do, too.
I'm going to Yale, too.
What?
I'm incredible at handjobs,
but I also got a 1560 on the SATs.
No, you didn't.
I got in early.
- To Yale? - Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.
Oh, and, Tanner, where are you going to school?
Uh, I'm, I'm playing soccer at Stanford.
Stanford University?
What are you guys talking about?
- Yeah, Stanford. - Mm-hmm. Stanford University.
Hey, I'm not going to college.
I got recruited to go code for Google.
I mean, it's not Apple,
but the bennies are pretty tight, man,
and it's mid six-figures, so I'm not complaining.
- My boy. That's my boy. - I'm so proud of you. It's amazing.
You failed the seventh grade twice.
Rule of threes.
- You guys are serious? - Mm-hmm.
Hey, um, I might pretend
like I don't know you next year.
No offense.
Hmm. This...
This isn't possible.
You guys don't even care about school.
No, we just don't only care about school.
Well, I'm, I'm done.
All right. After you. After you.
Okay.
So-sorry, excuse me.
You've worked harder than everyone
who's ever doubted you.
Worked harder.
Doubted you.
Hey, you okay?
Nick, where are you going to school next year?
- I thought we weren't supposed to talk... - Just tell me!
Georgetown. Jesus.
- Hope! - No.
- Where you going to school next year? - I couldn't be less interested
in, like, whatever this is.
Gigi!
Where the fuck are you going to school next year?
Don't judge me. It was my fifth choice.
Harvard.
Seniors rule!
♪ No ice with a straw, yeah ♪
♪ Now, who could drive away from the corner? ♪
♪ I'm a bitch I cannot be bothered ♪
♪ I'm not here to ask about your mother ♪
♪ Don't care who you are don't care what you do ♪
♪ But if you buy my drinks I can act like I do ♪
♪ A double, double rum cola ♪
♪ No ice, with a straw, yeah ♪
♪ Now, who could drive away from the corner? ♪
♪ If you don't say something ♪
♪ In the next ten minutes ♪
♪ I'm gonna take you to the hospital ♪
♪ I don't wanna say I'm getting concerned ♪
♪ But to be honest, I'm getting concerned ♪
This is fucked!
Okay.
This is obviously not helping.
We chose. We didn't party,
because we wanted to focus on school
and get into good colleges.
And it worked.
But the irresponsible people who partied
also got into those colleges.
They did both.
- So? - So, we messed up.
We didn't have to choose. They did both.
We are the only assholes who did one.
Hey! We are not assholes, okay? Let's just...
Come sit down, we'll cut the cake,
look at the memory box,
- Celebrate the end... - This is not
a time to celebrate.
We have to go to a party tonight.
- What? - Let's go to Nick's party.
Na, are you kidding? No! No way.
Amy, we only have one night left
to have studied and partied in high school.
Otherwise, we're just gonna be the girls that missed out!
We haven't done anything! We haven't broken any rules!
Okay. We've broken a lot of rules.
One, we have fake IDs.
Fake college IDs,
so we can get into their 24-hour library.
Name one person whose life was so much better
- because they broke a couple of rules. - Picasso.
That's... He broke art rules. Name a person who broke a real rule.
- Rosa Parks. - Name another one.
- Susan B. Anthony. - God damn it!
Amy, I'm so serious. They think that we're robots.
They think all we care about
is taking a million APs and getting into Yale
and editing law review at Georgetown,
and clerking for a federal judge between junior and senior year
before eventually becoming
the youngest justice ever nominated
to the Supreme Court of the United States!
In my case.
You get the point.
Nobody knows that we are fun.
- We know. - They need to know.
- Who's "they"? - We are not one-dimensional.
We are smart and fun.
We have to do this.
This is crazy. We graduate tomorrow.
What if we get in trouble?
You know that we are too smart for that.
Plus, Ryan is gonna be there.
She wanted you to come.
You're finally gonna make your move.
No. She's not... No.
You've been out for two years, and you've never kissed a girl.
I want you to experience this.
What will I be doing during that time, you might ask?
I'm going to experience a seminal, fun anecdote,
and we are gonna change our stories.
Forever.
We were gonna watch that Ken Burns thing.
The Dust Bowl can wait, bitch!
What took them four years, we are doing in one night!
Oh, Jesus!
♪ Like the way I work it then I bend it over show 'em shots ♪
♪ All these hoes around here sitting on they ass shots ♪
♪ Then I pop it then I shake it like an assquake ♪
♪ More then all these fakes I bet these bitches know me ♪
♪ I'm the baddest in the building ♪
♪ Now these bitches want to be me... ♪
- No. - No.
- No. Not acceptable. - This is not okay.
Who allowed you to be this beautiful?
- Who allowed you to be this beautiful? - Who allowed you to take my breath away?
Call the paramedics. Call the police.
'Cause there has been an emergency.
I can't look right at it.
Not today!
Grip escape move!
Oh. Work. Get it. Tushy.
Hand sanitizer. Chapstick. College IDs.
Now, mace. Listen,
it is very important that you keep the safety...
- Amy! - The safety's not on!
Don't touch your eyes!
You have the same parts she does.
You just take what you do to yourself,
flip it upside down.
Well, I don't, I don't really...
Just a down, but a flip.
- I don't... - A down flip.
What if I don't use my hands?
You can make yourself come using only your mind?
- No! - That's the one thing
- my mind can't do. - No!
Look, I use, just...
other stuff.
- A book? - No.
Very Freudian, but I'd worry about paper cuts.
No! Can we just stop talking about this?
- That little elephant? - No! Stop!
That weird crochet pig?
My grandma gave me that right before she died!
If you don't tell me what it is,
- you know I'm gonna get it... - It's the panda!
It's the panda, okay?
The panda. Whatever. Just...
Argh. Can we just stop talking about this,
please, for the love of all things?
Quick question.
Just a quick Q.
What happened to her eye?
That fell off way before anything happened between us.
- Does she talk dirty to you? - Mm-mm.
Tell you about how she's endangered?
No!
- Stop! - Do pandas roar?
Stop!
You sneaky little bitch!
I can't believe you didn't tell me
that you have been mounting that tragic panda
every single night!
- Yeah. - This is honestly, it's exhilarating.
I thought I knew everything about you.
I think it's healthy for a relationship
to have secrets, and now we have one.
Do I have a secret for you? Okay, yes.
- Uh-huh. - Yeah.
I once tried to masturbate
with an electric toothbrush.
But I got a horrible UTI.
Horrible. Like... horrible.
I wish that would've been a secret,
but you've mentioned it many, many times.
Hey, hey! I need you to do the talking.
Why don't you just tell them we're going to a party?
Because they'll ask too many questions.
They'll try to call Nick's aunt.
I've never lied to my parents before.
And you know when I lie, I just add too many details.
Just, just make up a story, but don't say
we're having a date night or anything.
Why? It's funny your parents think we're boning.
No, it's not, because you're not the one
who has to deal with their creepy smiles
when I tell them I'm meeting you at the library,
when I'm actually meeting you at the library.
Honestly, it's surprising that Doug and Charmaine are supportive,
considering their whole Jesus thing. It's nice.
Charmaine, get to the safe room.
- Hey! - We're being robbed by super models!
Aw, you girls look fabulous!
And smart and also brave.
- Thank you. - Yeah, thanks.
Wait, are you guys cold?
- A little. - Just a little nippy.
I'll start a fire!
Or I'll turn up the heat. Just get the jackets off.
Dinner's about ready.
- Oh, well... - You gotta taste this.
- Yeah. - I'm calling it
"diplo-meatball."
- Sure! - Don't engage, don't engage.
Oh, right. Right, okay.
Um, Char-Char. Dougsicles.
Would it be okay if Amy stayed over at my house tonight?
- The, the, the night before graduation? - Well...
Yeah. you know, my mom can drive us to the ceremony.
We just want as much time together as we can
before she leaves for Africa.
We made, uh, mushroom cap and gowns.
We made special names for all this stuff.
Great deal of care was taken.
- Well... - Every... I mean, look at...
chips and sal-so long, high school.
You know,
cheese and sala-me being your dad
was the greatest honor of my life.
Everything has a name. O-Love my baby girl.
- Yeah. - That's olives.
- Doug... - Do you know what?
We get it. We get it.
- We understand, okay. - Yes, yes, we do.
- What you two have... - We do. I'm sorry.
What they have is very, very special.
- Yeah. - Ah, it really is. It is.
You know, they say you never forget your first.
Friend.
- Special friend. - Normal friend.
- Yeah, my special friend. - Mm-hmm. yeah.
I'm just so thankful we get to spend the whole night together
to really show each other how much we care
- about each other. - Oh!
- That's great. - Mm, my girl!
We'll probably just do a Korean face mask.
Well, I don't need to know all the words.
- Okay. - Go, go, go!
Okay.
Yes!
Nick's auntie's house is about to be poppin'.
- Big-Ass party. - Aunt Viv! Aunt Viv, I love...
10-4. That's for the boy.
Ferris isn't trying to fall in love...
Yes, he is.
Oh, fuck!
Oh, my god. Tanner ate a ghost pepper.
He needs milk! Someone get him milk. That's...
- That's not gonna help. - Oh, fuck!
Oh, that's too much milk. He, he just had too much milk.
Fuck! No one is answering!
Somebody give me the address.
W-We've never hung out with any of these people
outside of academic activities.
They probably think we're calling about school stuff.
You're right. Can we just call a Lyft?
We still don't know where we're going.
Do you know a Lyft driver that knows
where Nick's aunt lives?
I think I do.
Who are you calling?
Don't worry about it, chica.
What?
Jesus Christ!
All aboard the SS Lit...
As Fuck!
The SS Lit As Fuck!
I'm so glad you called.
Sorry it took so long.
Traffic was nerts!
I'm co... I'm coming...
It's like Guy Fieri's wet dream.
It's a means to an end.
May I offer you the front, mademoiselle? No?
Going for the back. That's cool.
Back's great, too.
Great air flow back there. Get on in there.
Okay.
Time for some nights we'll never remember with some friends we'll never forget, huh?
Jared, you know where the party is, right?
Abso-fruit-ly, ladies.
We are headed to the biggest,
coolest grad night party in town.
Can I get a what-what?
Jesus Christ.
No? That's okay. Maybe later.
It's over on the west side.
So, get some tunes goin'.
WOMAN Random House Audio presents
Women, Work and the Will to Lead...
Okay. That's embarrassing.
I have this thing where I like to hear
the words of powerful women before I party
to remind myself of the respect and awe
you ladies deserve.
"Internalizing the revolution."
I got pregnant with my first child in the summer...
Well, I'll get something peppy going. We'll get this party started, huh?
♪ Holy calamity ♪
♪ Scream insanity ♪
♪ All you ever gonna be's another great fan of me ♪
Sorry about that.
Jared, it's fine. Isn't she your girlfriend or something?
What? No, she's...
No girlfriend for me. I can't pick faves.
Too many ladies wanna lock this down,
and they don't have the code.
2-8-3-1. Well, tha-tha-that's my pin number.
Uh...
Sorry, I'll just... What's up, Gege?
Jared, where the fuck did you go?
I left my tin of special things
in your car, and I need it!
Okay, all right. Jeez, Louise!
Do I wanna know what a "tin of special things" is?
Oh, my god.
- This is drugs. - What?
What?
Hey, Jare.
Jared, we're just gonna hop out here.
- Wait, what? Why? - She's... No.
- She's kidding. - No. I'm not.
Our, our friend, she just texted us,
and she said she, she, she hit a possum
- with her car. - Oh, no.
- Yeah, yeah, it's bad. - Do you know what kind of possum, or...
But the possum didn't die.
Its adrenaline and rage just made it stronger...
Okay, we are not hopping off. Keep driving.
What about the po... Is she gonna be okay?
Do you wanna text her to see if she's okay?
Enough about the possum!
Jared, you took Spanish, right?
Speak Chinese.
It's gonna be fine. Trust me.
Don't patronize me.
What if Gigi takes it and dies and our prints are on the tin?
Chain of custody!
I'm not getting any of it.
Criminally negligent homicide!
Our prints aren't on the powder. We could pour it out the window!
Whoo!
Came in a little hot there.
That's my bad. But we are here.
- What do we do? - Don't move. Don't inhale.
All right.
Oh, shit.
There are drugs in my orifices.
Drugs? Oh, no, that's not drugs.
That's just Gigi's vitamins.
Her, her what?
Yeah. You know, like vitamin D, B-12.
Gigi likes to crunch them up and snort them.
She says they work better that way.
We'll get you cleaned up on board.
Wait. What do you mean "on board"?
Okay. Now, you guys said
you wanted to go to the best party.
So, I brought you to the best party,
which is my party.
Prepare to get bashed!
N-not in, like, a violent way,
completely consensual bash.
I don't know if that was clear.
"Prepare to get consensually bashed," that'll say.
I'll have 'em change it. What do you think?
You're serious, Jared? This is your party?
You don't wanna go to Nick's lame house party.
You don't. A boat is international waters, right?
Maritime law. Just come check it out for a little bit.
It's sick! The catering company
said it's the coolest party they've ever been to.
And I'll tell you something...
they worked Sasha Obama's sweet 16.
Up to you.
What are we thinking?
We still don't have the address to Nick's.
Someone on board might know where it is.
And I'd like to meet someone who met Sasha.
Yeah. Respect for Sasha.
- Okay. Mm-hmm. - Yeah?
Let's go.
You guys excited?
- Oh, my god! - Welcome to the club!
- Oh, no! - Pretty cool, huh?
We're on a boat ride now. What's up with that?
There's not a soul here, Ames.
Ice tiger.
This is insane. You made gift bags?
There's an iPad in here.
Pre-loaded with photos of all our best high school memories.
Class of 2019, say what? Champagne?
There's a masseuse in the back, male or female.
Gambling behind the bar. Do you guys tan?
I'm so happy you guys are here.
I knew you guys partied.
- Didn't I, Jared? - You did. She said it.
I told him. Those guys seem quiet,
but they're probably spending every weekend
at, like, a sex dungeon.
- No. - Nope.
Here. Try one of these strawberries.
Okay.
- No. - No, no, no.
- Not bad. - That's pretty good.
Wait.
Mm...
Oh, god, you taste like my vitamins.
- I think I'm in love with you. - Uh... I don't think you are.
You're coming with me.
- No, I don't think so. - Dance party upstairs!
Yeah! Whoo!
- No, wait. Amy! Amy! - Yes! Yes! Yeah!
Amy! Ame, we're not...
Look what I found,
with your name on it.
Come on. Too cool.
How do you feel, huh? You look stoked.
- Chicken spring roll? - No, thank you.
You want?
Oh. No, thank you. Not a drug person.
Not even pot?
I feel like it could help you relax.
- Nope. Doesn't work for me. - Hmm.
DJ Rod!
What the fuck?
Jared... stop.
Jared, wrap...
Take the helmet off!
This isn't working.
You can't buy people's affection.
Um...
Mmm... no, I'm pretty sure you can,
'cause I've seen it a lot.
My parents did it. Their parents did it.
Just stop trying so hard, okay.
People can sense it. It turns them off.
But you try hard.
I mean, you try hard at everything. That's what I like about you.
- I didn't mean it like... - Uh, no.
I'm just gonna...
- I meant more like... - I'm... I'm gonna go.
Lamb meatball?
Motherfucker! You're everywhere!
One time I ate a legal pot brownie
when Model UN went to Amsterdam.
And as soon as I got high, I just cried about the fact that one day
my mom will die, so...
- I had the exact same thing. - Really?
I lost my virginity in what I thought was a park,
but it turned out to be a graveyard.
And now the ghost spirits live inside my eggs,
waiting to be reborn.
That's not at all the same.
I always felt like we were similar.
God, I'm gonna miss you. Come here.
Hey, you can't smoke up here.
- Oh. - What'd you just say to her?
I said it to you. You can't smoke.
- Um... - Uh-uh-uh.
You do not speak to her that way.
Is the "her" me? 'Cause I'm fine.
That is my best friend in the fucking world.
We're not. She's not...
We'll fucking fight you to the death!
Okay! I'm calling security.
Amy, we need to get
- the fuck out of here... - Oh, my god!
...because I swear to...
Light 'em up, Luanne!
It's go time!
There's only one thing left to do.
Jump.
- No - Wait. What?
No! No, thank you! No, seriously, Gigi.
What're you guys doing up here?
- Swan dive into the future! - Grip escape move!
No, no, no. Gege. Gege!
Holy fuck!
Gege, are you okay?
- She's okay! - Just bail.
Bail! Bail! Bail!
Oh, my god! I'm so sweaty!
Ugh! My god!
We need to figure something out before we get to Nick's.
- You still wanna go to Nick's? - You don't?
Well, dude, we went to a party.
We did it. Let's go home.
- Amy? - Don't do your lecture voice.
That was not a party.
Well, it definitely was a party.
That was a detour.
We are A-plus people,
and we were going to an A-plus party.
Like this.
Oh, my god. Alan responded.
We have the address! Okay, I'm calling a Lyft.
Oh, my score is... my score is very low.
I'm much too abrasive with the drivers.
- You should call for one. - I'm gonna go home.
But if you wanna go to Nick's, you should really go.
Seriously, go.
Malala.
Whoa.
I'm calling Malala.
Wow. You know you only get, like, one Malala a year.
Yeah, I'm calling it.
Full support, no questions asked,
you are coming with me.
Hmm.
Malala.
All right.
Malala.
Um...
Okay. Jordan?
Yeah, and you're Amy...
Shit.
You know, this job's a good way
to supplement the, uh, the old income.
You know, teachers' salaries today and all, it's...
- It's so terrible. - Yeah, it's a disgrace.
Yeah, meet new people
and see new parts of the city
and run into old friends.
"Friends"?
Plus, I'm writing a book now.
- Oh! - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Not just the principal. - Cool.
Nothing more exciting or daunting
than the blank page, you know? One of the books I'm thinking about doing
is a book of quotes.
"Nothing more daunting or exciting
than the blank page."
But yeah, that's one idea.
Thinkin' about doing a detective novel.
Actually, you know what? You two will love...
Amy, you'll love this.
It's a female detective.
- A lady detective. - Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about that, right?
Interesting.
Yeah, and she's pregnant, too.
Still workin', and, you know, the baby...
whenever she's close to a clue,
or one of her hunches is, like, you know, close,
the baby kicks. You know?
And the harder it kicks, the closer she is,
and that's where I'm at right...
I... I don't know what to do once, um...
you know, when she gives birth, but, um...
Hey, you dumb son of a bitch!
Choose a lane!
That was nuts. I don't know what that was.
Oh, this town.
Lot of angry people in this town.
Yeah.
You guys want some music, maybe?
- Yeah. Genius. - Yeah.
Dude, we're gonna get to Nick's so late.
It's fine. Everybody shows up to parties late.
It's like... it's cooler to be late.
We're gonna arrive right at the crest
and before you know it, you'll be neck deep in Ryan.
- Neck deep in what direction? - You tell me.
I don't know. I don't know anything.
This is like your nightmare
about having to land a commercial airliner
but much, much worse.
I mean, is it? Is it worse?
Well, yeah.
I had the lives of 100 people in my hands.
My crew was counting on me. I mean, I was their Sully.
- I'm really stressed about it. - I'm...
Okay. I know you are.
If only there was just...
a video of people hookin' up.
Sorry, are you talking about porn?
- All I'm saying... - No.
No one will know if you watched one porn one time.
Think of it as a documentary.
It's just a sexy documentary. It's a hot doc.
All of those women are European trafficking victims.
Excuse me, ma'am, are you judging
other people's sexual preferences?
'Cause you fuck a panda every night.
"Fuck a panda." So fucking funny!
Are you about to say you're gonna judge me
for dabbling in pornography?
I thought you were a sex-positive feminist.
Are you insane?
Principal Brown is right there!
- I have headphones. - He's four feet away from us.
I have headphones, madam.
All right, but once we get a sense of the mechanics,
I am shutting it off real quick.
Of course.
It's for educational purposes.
Educational purposes.
♪ Ow, we want the funk ♪
Huh.
♪ Give up the funk ♪
♪ Ow, we need the funk... ♪
Plug in. Your phone's gonna die.
Um...
Principal Brown?
Oh. Principal Brown was my dad.
Just call me Jordan.
Uh... no, thank you.
- Principal Brown? - Yes.
Uh, do you have a phone charger?
No, I don't. Got, like, 13.
Yeah, here. There you go. Catch.
I didn't know you could do that from that angle.
Oh, wait, what did I miss?
- Go back, actually. - Yeah, scroll back?
I need to review that part. Wait, it start...
- Right there. - Right there.
If you guys wanna listen to your music,
I can just plug it in up here.
- What? No! No! - No, no!
No, fuck!
That's fuckin' hot.
Come on! Come on.
Don't touch me.
Was that Cardi B?
Oh, my god.
I can't believe that happened.
- You are the devil. - I'm gonna die.
I'm literally gonna physically die.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Come in.
- He's dead! - What the fuck?
- He's dead! - Who's dead?
My husband. He's been killed!
Okay, Alan, you don't have to do your entrance
every time somebody arrives, okay?
- What are you guys doing here? - What is going on?
It's a murder mystery party.
I've been planning it for months.
Wait. This is your house? Alan!
Alan, I was so clear in my text.
We were looking for Nick's party!
My husband, Robert, was an esteemed Broadway director
and the love of my life!
And he's been killed like a dog in the street!
- Was he stabbed? - That sounds very tragic,
but there's been a mistake.
We're looking for Nick's party.
Do you have the address? We can't find it.
I don't know a Nick.
I only know sorrow...
and grief.
Okay, you're at a ten.
I need you at a two.
I have a wake to plan.
Okay, well, if you guys are here,
you might as well take some of the extra characters
since two people decided not to show up.
No.
Okay.
Adorable farmer, new to the city.
- Cool. - No, no, no,
- we don't need characters... - Hideous...
- ...because we're not staying. - ...barren orthodontist.
Why am I barren?
Am I here to farm, or have I given up that life?
This just says "orthodontist."
Your backstories are actually in the packets.
No, no, no, we are not staying,
and we're going to Nick's party.
We can just stay for a second.
- No. - Is that the party
- where somebody ate a ghost pepper? - Yes.
Yeah, somebody here came from there, I think.
Maybe the mayor?
Go! Immerse yourselves.
Review your histories in the parlor.
Okay, if your characters aren't married,
hands off each other.
No.
- Do not go gently... - Whoa, she's really good.
Oh, my god! You guys are here.
- Whoa, what the fuck? - How did you get here?
- And how are you dry?
How are you dry?
Aaron, I can see you breathing.
Gigi, mm, dig deeper.
- I don't know what... - I can't think about it.
Oh, is it over?
No! Stop. Mom, do not talk to the actors.
The house is mine until 11:00 p.m.
Cindy, I swear to fucking god.
- Jesus Christ! God! - Gigi, what the fuck?
Guys, the re-election is coming up,
and I need to know if I have to buy your votes.
Wait. Are you the mayor?
Do you know where Nick's party is?
Of course I do. I know where all the parties are.
- Where is it? - Come into my office. Now.
Okay, thank you.
In, in, in. Go, go, go.
Come, come, come. Now, now, now!
Okay.
You can't tell anyone.
We won't.
Not even each other.
Okay.
Nick's party...
...is at his aunt's house.
We know it's at his...
Amy, I swear to god, I need to get out of here.
By the way, I am pretty impressed
with how well you guys are holding it together.
You're doing fantastic.
What do you mean?
I thought the strawberries would have hit by now.
Why would strawberries hit?
Because they were dipped in an unbelievably potent drug.
It's like ayahuasca but asian.
Asian-huasca.
I told you guys that, right?
No, no, no,
no, no, no, no!
My last words!
Pull me back in. Pull me back in.
Oh, my god, here.
Oh, my mom has a scarf that color.
Listen to me. We're gonna be fine.
One time I threw up, and my mom caught it
in her hands 'cause she loves me.
We're healthy, nubile young women,
and we just need to stay calm.
We are gonna be...
Careful.
What? What the fuck?
What the fuck? What is happening?
Why do you look like that?
Uh, Molly, you're a fucking doll.
- No, you're a fucking doll. - What?
Ow! Fuck, that hurt!
My boobs are too heavy. I have no core.
Our legs don't bend.
They're twice as long as our torsos.
These proportions are insane! Where's my chub?
Wait. Where are you going?
- Jesus Christ. - Wait for me!
I have to see for myself.
Well, I've never done the splits in my life.
Amy!
Help! Molly, help me!
Oh, my god! Don't look down, Amy. No!
I... I can't reach.
You have to put my heel in your hole.
"My heel..." Your heel in my what?
Your hole!
- What hole? - Your corn hole!
Oh. Fuck!
- Molly! - There you go.
Oh, my god.
Um, what the fuck am I wearing?
Where's my vag?
Uh, Molly, I have no genitals.
How do I pee? How do I shit?
I mean, I don't even have nipples.
These are just mounds.
My whole body's like a fucking dolphin.
Just... just perfect, round, huge mounds.
- Uh, what? - Look at my body.
I am beautiful.
No. Don't get sucked in.
This is our nightmare, Amy.
I know this is unrealistic and bad for women,
but is it bad?
Because I feel pretty good.
I mean, this ass won't quit.
Amy, use your brain!
I don't need to use my brain.
I just need to be smooth and flexible.
Look at you, you bad bitch.
Okay, that's it. We have to wake up.
My, my, my. Mmm.
I think I might, like,
actually stay here for a while.
No, I won't let you do this.
Stop it, stop it, stop it. Stop.
You need to throw up!
Let me have this body!
Now that the amuse-bouche
of bacon-wrapped dates is over,
why don't we play a rousing round of... J'accuse!
Fuck you, George.
Who is she supposed to be?
The orthodontist.
We're okay. We're okay.
We did it. We went to two parties.
We did drugs. We can say we went out.
Let's go home.
What? No, no, the plan is to go to Nick's.
We have to stick to the plan.
Dude, nothing has gone according to plan tonight.
Which is why we have to stick to the plan.
Let's call another Lyft.
Why are you being so pushy?
Honestly, pushy is a compliment.
You know who else was pushy?
Diane Sawyer, Joan of Arc, Queen Noor of Jordan...
I know where Queen Noor is from.
Once we get to Nick's, all of this will be worth it.
Just forget about Nick's. No one will even tell us where it is.
Why are you being so obsessed with this party?
Because she loves him.
Oh, my god. Gigi, stop doing that!
- What did you say? - Molly loves Nick.
Can you please stop repeating that sentence?
Because it's not true.
- Yeah, Molly hates Nick. - Thank you.
She projects disgust to cover up a deep desire...
No, no. N-o. Thanks. Uh, you actually...
You just drugged us, and you tried to throw us off of a boat.
I did. I did.
So, nothing you say is of any value to us.
Yeah, no, you can stop flipping me off
because you should flip off, so shut the fuck up.
Madam Mayor,
what are you doing out here?
George locked himself in the closet.
Fuck!
- Dude. - No.
Dude?
No.
I don't like him.
Yes, maybe he is classically,
traditionally handsome and weirdly charming,
and maybe my innate biology
registers him as an ideal mate.
And yes, maybe I occasionally fantasize
about him sweeping me off my feet,
And some weaker people might call that a tiny crush.
But I can ignore it, I can fight against it
because we all have weird interests,
and the important thing is that we just, we shove 'em down,
and we never speak about them again.
You don't have to shove anything down.
Yeah.
Yeah, I do, because I can't like him.
Maybe my body can like him,
but my mind knows that that's stupid
because he's just... he's a jock.
And all he cares about is being cool and having fun,
and he doesn't even look at girls
unless they look like Triple A.
And he definitely doesn't want me,
because I'm a butter-personality.
How dare you say that about my best friend.
Amy, you fucking slapped me...
If you ever say anything like that about yourself again,
I will fucking lay you out. Okay?
You are the strongest, coolest, smartest,
most stunningly gorgeous creature
this high school and this earth has ever seen,
and Nick Howland would be so fucking lucky
to be a footnote in your story.
So, we're going to his party.
Are you serious?
I am dead serious.
If Nick's what you want, then that's what you deserve.
How? How are we gonna find out where the party is?
By doing what we do best.
Motherfuckin' homework.
♪ Brushed my hair, went downstairs ♪
♪ Favorite jeans on my rear ♪
♪ And I looked up in my mirror ♪
♪ And I said, "Who's that there? ♪
♪ Who's that there in that mirror?" ♪
♪ I don't care and they're aware ♪
♪ Now I see just why they stare ♪
♪ I just pay them, I don't care ♪
♪ I know ♪
♪ So what I got a attitude? ♪
♪ Bitch, I got a attitude ♪
- I will now be attempting... - Wait, look.
...15 pizza boxes.
How many orders that big do you think
Lido's could have filled tonight?
- Genius. - Yeah.
♪ Y'all niggas got me hot ♪
Fuck.
♪ Say ♪
♪ Hey! Well, that's exactly what a nigga came for ♪
♪ Huh, you doin' shots from afar... ♪
Two half-cheese, half-sausage pizzas
are just one cheese and one sausage pizza.
You fucking morons. Jesus.
Oh, god.
♪ Hey, now you, drank up all my liquor, come on... ♪
♪ And you talking all that shit... ♪
Delivery guy!
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! What the fuck?
What the fuck is this?
We ask the questions!
Oh, my god. Oh, shit, shit, shit.
Is this some Manson family shit?
- What is this? - No!
No! Everything is gonna be just fine.
You're just gonna give us the address
to where you delivered some pizzas tonight.
Oh, my god. Are you guys out of your fucking mind?
How old are you, by the way?
Does not matter!
Okay, that voice did not make you sound older.
So, you're basically children?
And you just willingly got in the car of a strange man?
Do you guys have a weapon?
Yes.
If we claim to have a weapon,
this might be a felony.
Fuck.
Okay, so you're using your hair as a mask
and trying to rob someone with no weapon.
'Cause the funny thing is, I actually have a weapon.
Fuck!
What the fuck? You have a gun!
I keep that to protect myself from bad people.
Something you guys should be thinkin' about.
Did the possibility of sexual assault
ever enter your minds?
- Not really. - Yeah, not really, I can tell.
You were spending more time on, like, the hair
and that whole part of it, maybe, yeah.
'Cause, we're, like, right by the freeway.
I could have you across the state line
in, like, 40 minutes,
take you to some cabin,
hog-tie your ankles,
leave you in a room with, like, a saucer of milk
and videotape the whole thing for a couple days.
- What? - What? No.
- Think about that. - What?
No. I'm not gonna think about...
We just need you to give us the address
to where you delivered this huge order tonight.
Oh, shit, that...
Okay. You know what?
I'm gonna give you the address.
I feel like if I don't,
you guys are so stupid,
some dog walker's gonna find your bodies
tomorrow under some overpass.
- Okay. - Whoa!
Don't show me your pass code.
Oh, that's fair. Okay, I'm sorry.
That's the whole thing with pass codes.
I'm just copying the address.
Yeah, that's your private information.
Thank you! Thank you so much!
Oh, my god.
Um...
Quick Q.
Now that we're already in your car,
would you mind driving us there?
- Yeah, why not? - Oh, great!
I'm being sarcastic!
- Get the fuck out of my car! - Oh, okay.
Thank you so much for your help!
Don't trust people. Oh, my god.
Yes! Yes!
Yes! Oh, my god!
You were incredible! You were so scary!
If you were a criminal, you'd be
the best fucking criminal in Los Angeles.
Okay, all right, let's call a chariot.
Fuck, I left my phone in his car!
Why did I have to use the visual aid? Wait!
It's okay. Amy! Amy! We will get it tomorrow.
It's fine. I'll use mine. I'll use mine.
Wha... I'm at two percent?
Why the fuck am I at two percent?
Why is my battery so low?
Porn. We streamed a lot of porn.
- Just call a Lyft. - Fuck.
No, I can't call a Lyft, because if my phone dies
and the driver can't contact us, we are fucked!
Unless...
- Pick up, pick up, pick up! - Who are you calling?
Hi, it's Molly and Amy.
We're at Lido's Pizza on Victory Boulevard.
We are stranded. Please pick us up! We need...
It died.
We could hitchhike.
Are you aching to be murdered?
Well, I'm just throwin' out suggestions here.
You girls need a ride?
- Shotgun. - I'll take the front.
So cool. I'm just gonna...
Amy, what are you doing?
My legs are, like, half an inch longer than yours.
Okay, you know I get car sick, Amy.
What are you...
If you could just let me go...
You're embarrassing me.
Thank you so much, Miss Fine. You totally saved us.
Please. You two saved me from rewatching Gilmore Girls.
I've seen it, like, 50 times.
Okay, wait. So, what is this address I'm taking you to?
It's, uh, Nick Howland's aunt's house.
It's a party, technically.
You two want me to drive you
to an unsupervised house party?
W-Well...
Good. I'm glad you guys are having some fun
before graduation. Ugh.
- Really? - Yes. Oh, my gosh, yes.
I don't want you guys to make the same mistake I did.
What do you mean?
I spent the majority of my 20s
overcompensating for the fact
that I never had fun in high school.
And, you know, the pendulum then swung
in a completely different direction.
I mean, I went crazy.
I had some really dark moments there in my 20s.
Like, some really dark moments.
Like, It was bad. You know I'm banned from Jamba Juice?
Not a single Jamba Juice, like, every Jamba Juice.
That came down from corporate.
Do you know how many Jamba Juices
there are in this country?
Like, a bajillion.
It's a national chain. It's a sensation.
I cannot have another Mango-A-Go-Go ever again.
But, look, I don't want that for you.
Okay? You still have a chance.
I want you two to go to this party,
and I want you to have fun
because tonight is your night.
- Yes! - Yes.
Okay.
- Yes. - Yes.
So, what are you two wearing?
We were thinking, uh...
Well, just this look.
You do know you guys are matching, right?
We added this embellishment here.
Well, lucky for you two,
I'm a single woman living in Los Angeles,
so I got a lot of shit in this car.
Why don't y'all go through some of those bags?
I'm sorry. We can touch your clothes?
Yes, please. Please touch my clothes.
- Please get a change of clothes on. - This night.
Whew!
- Um... Oh... - Um...
Mmm...
- I have no breath. - What?
- Excuse me? - Sorry, what, my friend?
I have nowhere to go with this. It's too perfect.
You are literally glowing.
You've hit the level of perfection,
- and now I'm just... - Be still, my heart.
You've just come out of the water.
You're fresh from the water. You're a mermaid. You're here.
How are you so fucking shiny?
Can you fetch me an inhaler? 'Cause I can't breathe, Amy.
- Um, my eyes. Ow, ow! - I'm physically unable...
My eyes hurt so bad from your beauty.
Um, exsqueeze me, ladies.
- There's a party to get to. - Oh, sorry.
All right.
I will see you two inside, all right?
Just kidding. Imagine if I did, though.
She's kidding.
Imagine if I just went in. That'd be weird, right?
- Anyway, see y'all later. - Okay.
Okay.
- Love you. - Love you.
♪ Look at these pros look at these clothes ♪
♪ Look at this dough. Look at this gold... ♪
♪ These bitches ain't fuckin' with me killer ♪
♪ Look at these pros look at these clothes ♪
♪ Look at this dough, look at this gold lookin' evil ♪
♪ Look at me then look at these hoes ♪
♪ These bitches ain't fuckin' with me killer... ♪
Here.
You good?
Yeah.
- El presidente! - And the protest lady.
Welcome, my little turtledoves.
How are you?
You guys want a drink or a smoke? Nothing?
Let me know, okay? I'm your guy tonight.
I'll take care of you. You guys are the best.
You guys honestly freak me out...
but I'm gonna miss you guys.
Okay? It's all love.
Class of '19 for-fuckin'- ever! Whoo!
Um...
- Ryan. Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. - Where? Where?
Oh, god. She's glowing.
Go get her. Hug me.
- Okay. Get her. - Whew! Okay.
Get her. Flick the bean.
Molly. Here's to you, gorgeous.
- Thank you. - Of course, of course.
Tanner, where's the rubbing alcohol?
There's nothing strong enough.
- No! - Yep.
- No. - I'm here.
How?
I'm gonna go downstairs.
Bye, Gigi.
♪ Ay, boy, whatcha say, boy? ♪
♪ You tryna play coy like a Gameboy? ♪
♪ Hit my phone boy, is you home boy? ♪
♪ Are you alone boy? Come give me dome, boy... ♪
I'm so stoked you're here, dude.
Thanks.
I've always wanted you to come out.
Oh, I, I am out.
I came out in the tenth grade.
No. I meant, like, come out
and hang out on the weekend.
Oh. Right. "Hang out," yeah.
That's, that's what I meant also.
You need to have a little bit of fun
before you go to Africa.
You remembered I'm going to Africa?
Of course. Aren't you gonna go to Uganda or something?
Botswana.
- They'd kill me in Uganda. - Why?
Because that country's not really a fan of gay people.
Oh, shit. That's crazy.
Would you be afraid to go to Uganda...
Karaoke in the guest room!
Jesus.
God, I missed you. Fuck.
Do you want to go do karaoke in the guest room?
- I love that girl. - Yeah.
- Come on, let's go. - Okay.
Uh, elbows.
Can we get a re-rack, please?
Holy shit.
Wait, Molly's here?
What a fucking compliment to get Molly to roll.
Dude, are you actually here right now?
Is this some mirage?
Am I fucking losing my mind?
Or did I actually get president Molly
to come out on a weekend?
It's a purely ceremonial visit.
Okay, okay. Hey, why don't you sit here?
Yeah, right next to me. Please, sit here and let's go.
I've been fucking waiting for this
since, like, seventh grade.
- Please? It's for you. - Oh.
This song goes out to my cast.
♪ I want you to know ♪
♪ That I am happy for you ♪
Shh!
♪ I wish nothing but ♪
♪ The best for you both ♪
♪ An older version like me, is she perverted like me? ♪
♪ Would she go down on you in... ♪
Miss Fine.
Miss... Fine.
Senora Fine.
You ever made love to a Mexican?
Hey, come here.
Hey, listen, this pong
is actually supposed to be my thing.
So, if you could just tone it down
for my sake, my self-esteem?
No, I think you just have to step up your game.
You just have to rise to my level.
It's not my fault.
"To her level."
It's crazy we haven't hung out
outside of school before, you know?
I used to think you were all work and no play...
but you're actually pretty fun.
I... I am fun.
Okay.
Hi, Miss Fine.
Hi, Theo.
♪ No! ♪
♪ And every time you speak her name ♪
♪ Does she know that you told me ♪
♪ You'd hold me until you died? ♪
♪ Till you died, but you're still alive ♪
♪ And I'm here to remind you ♪
♪ Of the mess you left when you went away ♪
- ♪ It's not fair ♪ - Woo-hoo!
♪ To deny me ♪
♪ Of the cross I bear that you gave to me ♪
♪ You, you, you oughta know, Alan ♪
This is amazing.
You're amazing.
You're 20, right?
Yeah.
You got a mic. You gotta sing.
- No. - Please.
- No. - Come on. Please?
Do it for me. Come on, Amy. Come on.
- For you, I... - For me.
Um...
♪ And I'm here to remind you ♪
♪ Of the mess you left when you went away ♪
♪ It's not fair ♪
You can tell she's not supporting,
no breath control, but it's good.
- It's on pitch. Yeah, yeah. - I support you.
♪ That you gave to me ♪
♪ You, you, you oughta know ♪
Oh, my god!
- Okay. Ready? - Mm-hmm.
Fuckin'...
- Of course. - Nick. You need more... Oh.
- Are you okay? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You need more of the arc.
Like, no, too much flick. Like... whoo.
See, well, that's easy for you to say
when you're, like, three feet tall, all right?
I'm looking straight down at it.
How tall are you?
Well, how tall do you think I am?
5'4"?
Listen, my teammates usually aren't this mean.
Oh, no, no, no. They're usually blonde
and skinny, and they don't drink carbs.
Uh, no, no way, okay? I fuck with Hufflepuffs.
Hufflepuff, like Harry Potter?
Yeah. I mean, what are you, like a...
half-Slytherin, half-Ravenclaw, yeah?
That is exactly what I am.
Yeah, you are.
Oh, fuck. Okay, see,
I gotta go take care of them, make sure they don't kill themselves.
But hey, you stay right here, yeah?
- Yeah. - Okay, you don't move.
I'll come back a moment, okay. Don't move.
- I'm not gonna move. - Right? Don't move.
- I'm not gonna move. - Yeah?
I feel like you're gonna move. Don't move.
No, I'm not... You know what, I'm not gonna move.
- Don't move. - Okay.
♪ Don't hold back, I want to break free ♪
♪ God is singing through your body ♪
♪ And I'm carried by the sound ♪
♪ Every drum, every single beat ♪
♪ They were born from your body ♪
♪ And I'm carried by the sound ♪
♪ Oh, ooh, love ♪
♪ They'll never break the shape we take ♪
♪ Oh, ooh ♪
♪ Baby, let all them voices slip away ♪
♪ Don't look back, I want to break free ♪
♪ If you'll never see 'em coming ♪
♪ You'll never have to hide ♪
♪ Take my hand, take my everything ♪
♪ If we only got a moment ♪
♪ Give it to me now ♪
♪ Oh, ooh, love ♪
♪ They'll never break the shape we take ♪
♪ Oh, ooh ♪
♪ Baby, let all them voices slip away ♪
♪ No caressing, no caressing ♪
♪ No caressing... ♪
♪ Oh, ooh, love ♪
♪ They'll never break the shape we take ♪
♪ Oh, ooh, no, love ♪
♪ They'll never break the shape we take ♪
♪ Oh, ooh ♪
♪ Baby, let all them voices slip away ♪
Oh, my god, there you are.
How's it going? Did you find Ryan?
Did you guys go in the pool? What's going on?
Molly...
Things are going so well over here. Like, really, really, really well.
I'm being so mean to him, but it's working.
We talked about Harry Potter. He knows I'm a Slytherin.
- He seems to like it. - I think we should go home.
Wait, what? No. Ju-just dry off.
No, I think we need to leave. Come on, let's go.
No, are you nuts? No, he... Nick is fully...
- No. - He's fully flirting with me.
This actually might happen.
Listen to me, this actually might happen.
No, no, Molly, please, I'm asking you. Let's just go.
Ame, just go find Ryan. It'll be great.
Malala!
Amy, no.
- Are you kidding? - No, I'm...
I've done whatever you wanted all night.
And I'm calling Malala, so come with me.
No, I'm not leaving just because you're doing the thing that you always do.
What is that supposed to mean?
Just, you... you talk a big game
and then you give up just when things get uncomfortable.
Like, you jumped in the pool,
and now you're sad that you're wet? Like...
That's bullshit, Moll. That's bullshit.
If I didn't drag you to do things, Amy, you just wouldn't do them.
You don't drag me,
you force me to do whatever you wanna do.
What does that even mean?
You decide what we do and when we do it,
and that we always have to do it together all the time.
Yeah, I have to decide
because you literally decide nothing.
Like, I do all the heavy lifting in our friendship.
- You never take charge. - I take charge all the time!
You never take charge. I always have to push you.
Without me, you wouldn't do anything.
I'm going to Africa without you.
Yeah, I encouraged your summer abroad.
I'm not going for the summer.
I'm going for the entire year.
What?
I'm taking a gap year.
I deferred Columbia until next fall.
- When did you decide that? - When I applied.
In January? You've been lying to me since January?
Yeah, because I knew if I told you,
you'd bully me into staying.
So, all our schedules are gonna be off now.
We're not gonna graduate together,
we're not gonna go on a post-college trip together,
We're not gonna move to DC together? Our whole plan...
That was your plan! That was never my plan.
- It's always your plan, Moll. - I can't believe you.
You think that going to Africa makes you tough,
and you weren't even fucking brave enough to tell me about it!
You're a fucking coward, Amy!
You're selfish and mean!
You're a bad friend!
You're a fucking bad friend...
What the fuck?
I locked that.
Well, I guess you didn't.
What's wrong with you? Fight with your wife?
Can you please just leave me alone?
Why are you even at a party?
Shouldn't you be, like, marching
in some meaningless protest somewhere
or, I don't know, in your bed doing homework?
You don't even know me.
Pretty sure I do.
No. You're just one of those people
who claims they're honest
or calling people on their shit
when you're really just mean.
Wow.
Wow, I take it back.
You are a badass...
who takes no prisoners...
and cries in the bathroom at parties.
Why are you so cruel?
I just don't like meek people.
And you...
you're like Molly's little sidekick bitch.
Well, you're just a basic hot girl
who's gonna peak in high school.
When did you get here?
A while ago.
See Amy? She fucking freaked out at me. I don't know what's wrong with her.
Do people really think I had sex with a prostitute?
You didn't?
No.
Of course not. I...
I haven't slept with anybody.
No one in this entire school knows me at all.
- Except Gigi. - I'm a golden starfish!
Gigi, the girl who jumped off your boat
and gave you a prison tat while you were sleeping?
Oh, that wasn't about me.
She's a sad person, you know?
And yeah, she may be a little nuts but...
she's the most loyal person I've ever met.
I mean, she once tried to shiv our mailman
because she thought he laughed at me.
Turns out, he wasn't. I mean, he wasn't laughing at me at all,
he was just looking at a meme on his phone.
Plus, not everyone's lucky enough
to find someone like you and Amy.
I'm just doing my best,
so I can get out of here...
and find some people who are into the same weird shit I'm into.
Not, like, sex stuff. I mean, like, you know...
airplanes and musicals.
What?
I wanna design fucking airplanes.
Yeah. Get rich off that,
then use the cash to produce some new musicals.
Enough with the revivals already. It's total bullshit.
Audiences deserve something original, I think.
I don't know.
I should probably go make sure that's not an actual dead man's float.
Well, see you at graduation, Molly.
Whoa.
- Are you okay? - Um... Yeah, sorry, just...
Just got a little dizzy for a second there.
- Um... - We can stop if you want.
No. We are not stopping.
Okay.
♪ 'Cause we aiming for the stars ♪
♪ With a point and hollow ♪
♪ I'm feeling these songs... ♪
Sorry.
♪ I started this job selling rocks and arrows... ♪
Oh, sorry.
Whoa.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
- Oh, my god. - Ugh.
♪ Welcome to the days of the broke and shallow... ♪
I should probably take off mine, too.
Yeah.
♪ The minute I know ♪
♪ The time we spent in came corrected... ♪
It's a nice dress.
It's all she had.
Miss Fine.
Oh, my god. Of course.
♪ Matter over mind if we're being honest ♪
♪ But you wander through your thoughts ♪
♪ Like a broken promise ♪
♪ In it for the monetary growth... ♪
Um...
How is that for you?
Um, it's okay.
Is-is there really another way you would prefer,
or is this, like...
Um...
I don't think that's the hole you think it is.
- Oh, my god. - No, it's okay.
- Oh, my god. I'm so sorry. - No, it's okay.
Oh, my god. I just...
I'm not used to approaching it from that angle
and my geometry was off, and...
Seriously, don't worry about it.
I'm sorry.
Are... are you good?
Oh, my god. What the...
What the fuck? Oh!
- I am so sorry. - What the fuck?
Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Ew! - Um...
Ar-are you okay?
Amy, just go.
Please go.
Please fucking leave.
Sorry, I'm going as fast as I can.
Go!
♪ I'm a fool for that shake in your thighs ♪
♪ I'm a fool for that sound in your sighs ♪
♪ I'm a fool for your belly ♪
♪ I'm a fool for your love ♪
♪ I want to make this play ♪
♪ Oh, I know you're faded ♪
♪ Hmm, but stay ♪
♪ Don't close your hands ♪
♪ I want to make this play ♪
♪ Oh, I know you're faded... ♪
Hey, have you guys seen Amy?
- No. - No.
What? Wait.
Whoa!
Amy! Amy! Amy!
We're fucking sitting ducks.
They're gonna come in here. They're gonna find us.
Shut the fuck up, Rob.
I am not a coward.
All right, focus up.
Wait for my signal. I'm gonna create a diversion.
What?
No.
Really?
♪ Oh baby ♪
♪ You're having a bad dream ♪
♪ Here in my arms ♪
You know this is why people say
I gave guys "roadside assistance," right?
I gave them a ride home, that's all.
Okay, that's not true. I blew them.
But it's not like they ran out of gas
and I showed up to suck their dick while they waited for help.
We hooked up in their car.
It makes sense to hook up in a car.
I'm not gonna, like, suck a dick at my own home
where my father can walk in at any moment.
Also, I wanna enjoy it. Fucking sue me.
That makes a lot of sense.
You know what the worst part is?
All the fucking girls call me that, too.
I knew, like, Ben and Max and Dick Splinter
would say stupid shit.
I just... I didn't think the girls would, too.
Amy never called you that.
I'm sorry. I'm genuinely sorry.
Just, like, please don't call me "Triple A" at Yale next year.
I just want people to know my real name.
Of course, Annabel.
Fuck... No! Not right now.
I'm sorry. That was bad.
- That wasn't my best. - Come on. Jesus Christ.
That was embarrassing for me.
I'm sorry for that, too.
Wait, where the fuck do you live?
Fuck!
What?
All right. Well, just so you know, I know my rights.
Oh, my god.
There are more prisons than colleges
in the United States.
- Did you know that? - Is that right?
And it costs $71,000
to house an inmate in California.
- That's more than Harvard. - Yeah.
Well, this seems excessive. Shotgun.
Just kidding. I don't have one.
Oh, I'm actually here for someone else. I'm so sorry.
My mistake. My mistake.
- My mistake. - Oh, my god.
Fuck you, dude.
Dude, you're in full-on jail.
Yeah, I know.
I'm so sorry.
I mean, it's okay.
I'm gonna have to pay a fine
and go before the judge, but we both know...
No, I'm sorry.
I know women apologize too much,
but in this case, I have so much to be sorry for.
I was so selfish.
I-I was being a coward.
You called Malala.
I lied to you, Moll.
You were trying to save me from seeing Nick rub
his boner all up against Ryan.
Oh, my god, can you believe that, by the way?
No. Honestly? No.
I would've guessed that Nick hooked up with Theo
before I would have guessed he hooked up with Ryan.
Nick and Theo do have great chemistry.
Divine. I mean, it's palpable.
I'm sorry I'm so controlling.
I just can't imagine my life without you.
You are the motherfucker who got arrested
the night before graduation.
Oh, my god! Graduation.
Molly, what time is it? You have to go.
Yeah, why do you think I'm here?
You're coming with me.
Dude, no. I am screwed. I can't leave.
- You have to go. - Amy.
I am not graduating without you.
So, either I get arrested and I join you in there
or we go together.
How?
We're gonna trade some information,
because we have seen this man.
What?
- Is that Jared's car? - I'll explain later.
- Am I driving? - Of course you're driving.
- Need this? - No, that was my fault!
Go!
Okay, Waze says 19 minutes. We're doing it in seven.
Let's fuckin' do this.
♪ Picture this I'm a bag of dicks ♪
♪ Put me to your lips I am sick ♪
♪ I will punch a baby bear ♪
♪ In his shit give me lip... ♪
Uh...
Hey, guys, let's go ahead and take a seat.
Stop.
Ooh.
Hey, Evelyn.
Um... I just wanted to say...
have a great summer.
That's what the kids are doing, right?
Have a great...
All right. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Sickening.
Morning, my queen.
Hi.
So, last night was amazing.
Can I see you again?
Mmm...
Good luck at Google next year, okay.
Okay.
Bye.
Did you fuck Miss Fine?
♪...little wench I'm unmentionably fresh ♪
♪ I'm a mensch, get correct ♪
♪ I will walk into a court ♪
♪ While erect, screaming "Yes... ♪
Ha-has anybody seen, uh, Molly?
'Cause we gotta get started. She kicks it off. Huh? Nobody?
'Cause I haven't seen her either since yesterday
when we were at school, all of us.
We were at school together.
So, Molly actually warned me she might be a little late
and tapped me to start her speech.
Wait, wait, Molly Davidson's gonna be late
- to graduation? - Yeah.
Okay, that doesn't sound like her.
Right. Well, uh,
she also asked me to remind you that...
um...
um... I got it. Uh...
"this sort of thing happens all the time
"on the senate floor,
"and if a senator isn't present for a vote..."
- Okay. Okay. - "...a proxy..."
Great. Okay, that does sound like her.
"...for the vote to take place..."
- "...in his or her absence." - I got it. Okay, so...
Okay, so she tapped you?
- Tapped me. - Okay.
Yeah, fuck it. I approve. You're up.
- You're gonna kick it off. - Okay.
- Oh. - Okay. There he goes.
Yeah, yeah. Shantay, you stay, honey!
Oh, Jared!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look at you.
Good morning.
"I'm Molly Davidson."
♪ Hey, you wanna hear a good joke? ♪
♪ Nobody speak, nobody get choked ♪
"I am a woman.
- I am a powerful woman." - My boy!
"And I'm ready to take the fists
"of my femininity to the status quo.
straight white man, your time is..."
Okay.
Oh, my god. My car is fucked up.
All right. I'm gonna go take my seat.
Come on up. Come.
Look who made it!
Whoo!
Amy!
Whoo!
Thank you.
Okay. Looks like Jared did a pretty good job.
Yes, he did! Yes, he did.
I...
I was so... scared of you,
I felt like I had to prove that I was better than you.
But really, I don't know any more than you guys.
All I know is that we have a lot more to learn.
'Cause this part's over...
and that's so sad.
It was great, wasn't it?
Things are never gonna be the same, but it was perfect.
And I may not have before, but I see you now.
And you're all pretty great.
Don't let college fuck it up.
Congratulations, guys.
Okay, okay.
That went over,
but I will not be cutting down my allotted time.
Gigi, hit the track.
♪ Crockett... ♪
- That's pretty good. - Oh, you know what's good?
If you roll these, and then you'll have more room.
Oh, probably not rolling, though...
- Well, why does it have to be... - Oh!
Look! Oh, god, you're bringing Lingling.
- Well... - Oh, Lingling.
- Um... - No.
Please be good to my Amy.
All right. I gotta pack up.
Make her feel like she's not so lonely.
Make her feel good.
I gotta put that in the old suitcase.
Amy, make it stop.
Please don't put your face on the face.
Make it stop.
- Not the nose. - On the head.
- On the neck. - Make it stop.
Hey, Amy, there's...
Look who she's bringing.
- Okay. - Lingling?
- No. No. No... - Oh, let me get in there.
Uh... Amy, there's, uh, someone here to see you.
- Hmm? - Who?
What?
- Why is she here? - Oh. Excuse me.
Amy!
Why is she here?
- Hey. - Hey.
I figured I'd bring back your clothes.
Oh. Thanks so much.
I don't usually leave my underwear
in places that aren't my room.
Yeah, I figured.
So, um...
ho-how...
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I...
You know, prison kinda changes you.
- Hmm. - But, uh...
I'm fine.
Sorry, I just really don't know
what I'm doing with all that stuff yet.
Well, for someone who has no idea what they're doing...
you kinda know what you're doing.
That's...
Ah.
Um, that's cool.
So, how is your summer going?
I mean, what are you doing for the summertime?
Think I'm gonna backpack around for a bit.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Where? - I don't know.
Honestly, anywhere I can find a couch to crash on.
I just, you know, wanna see some stuff before college.
That's really cool. Me, too.
That's why I'm taking a gap year.
- Yeah? - Yeah. Yeah.
All right, well, uh, have fun, nerd.
Um, well, if you ever end up in Botswana,
you would have a couch to crash on.
Okay.
Well, technically, it won't be my couch,
'cause I'll be staying with a family, but I'm sure they'll be cool with it.
Okay.
Yes! Yes!
Molly!
Amy, this thing drives like a cruise ship.
Well, it's yours now.
Take care of the old Volvo for me.
Oh, speaking of vulva,
remember when you missed Hope's,
and you just went straight for that butt hole?
I said, I said once a day.
- Hey, I have to stock up... - Once a day.
...because you're gonna be on a flight
for, like, 28 hours.
So, I have to stock up.
It's not my fault.
Yeah, it feels weird to be on this side of the car.
It's like everything's different.
Yeah, I can't believe I'm not gonna see you tomorrow.
Call me on that weird international flip phone, okay?
I will.
Okay.
- Bye. I love you. - Bye.
Love you.
- Bye. - Go make those tampons, girl.
I will. I...
- Bye. - Bye.
- Oh, gotta get that bag. - Yep. Gotta...
It's a long trip.
Go get 'em.
What's a year?
Okay.
♪ Whoa, my love ♪
♪ My darling ♪
♪ I've hungered for your touch ♪
♪ A long, lonely time ♪
♪ And time ♪
♪ Goes by ♪
♪ So slowly ♪
♪ And time can do so much... ♪
- Oh! Fuck! - Fuck!
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I was going through a thing.
I was going through a whole fucking thing.
What the fuck?
I can be the last one on the plane.
What is wrong with you?
You wanna get pancakes?
Fuck, yeah, I do. Fuck, yeah!
♪ Get running, start pumping your bunions, I'm coming ♪
♪ I'm the dumbest, who flamethrow ♪
♪ Your function to Funyuns ♪
♪ Flame your crew quicker than Trump fucks his youngest ♪
♪ Now face the flame, fuckers, your fame and fate's done with ♪
♪ I rob Charlie Brown, Peppermint Patty ♪
♪ Linus and Lucy ♪
♪ Put coke in the doobie ♪
♪ Roll woolies to smoke with Snoopy ♪
♪ I still remain that dick-grabbin' slacker ♪
♪ That spit a loogie ♪
♪ 'Cause the toter of the toolie'll ♪
♪ Murder you friggin' Moolies ♪
♪ Fuck outta here, yeah ♪
♪ Nobody speak nobody get choked, hey ♪
♪ Nobody speak ♪
♪ Only facts, I will shoot a ♪
♪ Baby duck if it quacks with a Luger ♪
♪ Top billin', come cops some villainous shots is boxed ♪
♪ Shipped out, and bought and y'all feeling it ♪
♪ El-P killin' it, Killer Mike killin' shit ♪
♪ What more can I say? We top billin' it ♪
♪ Valiant without villainy Viciously foul victory ♪
♪ Burn towns and villages ♪
♪ Burning, looting, and pillaging ♪
♪ Murderers try to hurt us ♪
♪ We curse them and all their children ♪
♪ I just want the bread and bologna bundles to tuck away ♪
♪ I don't work for free I am barely giving a fuck away ♪
♪ So tell beggin' Johnny and Mommy to get the fuck away ♪
♪ Heyyo here's a gun, son, now run, get it the gutterway ♪
♪ Nobody speak nobody get choked, hey ♪
♪ Nobody speak ♪
♪ Nobody speak nobody get choked ♪
♪ Crockett, Crockett ♪
♪ We will rock it ♪
♪ Crockett, Crockett, hide it in your pocket ♪
♪ Crockett, Crockett, Crockett ♪
♪ Crockett, Crockett ♪